I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
