So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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