her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize