I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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