my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
