Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize