He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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