I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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