Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
