Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
