Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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