The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
