So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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