The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
