My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
