like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
