so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
