it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
