Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
