There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
