Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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