I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
