my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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