I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
