we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
