Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
