My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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