Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
