I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
