I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
