hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
