My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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