did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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