if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
