Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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