We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
