May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
