I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
