my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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