a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
