we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
