They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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