The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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