I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize