I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
