So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
