Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Operation Purity has been aborted
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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