This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
