she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
