too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
