the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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