Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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