i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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