so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
