somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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