Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
