Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Watching her eat just hurts me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
